BLOOD & SEX NIGHTMARE (2008) d. Joseph R. Kolbeck

Reviewed by S. Melvin Swebster Esq.

There is no question that filth of every imaginable description has run rampant through the dvd market today. Once upon a time, a person of good breeding could pick up any number of fine offerings dealing with impeccably dressed gentlemen and lavishly garbed ladies sitting down to tea in a finely appointed drawing room, or at least one could view a film with noble equestrian events or the fine sport of yachting. Now it is nothing but squalor and depravity of the most unthinkable varieties. If I don’t do a few deep knee bends to fortify myself before venturing onto the internet and mingling with commoners at dvd sites, I am likely to swoon over the images that one sees. For instance, I happened upon a title with a simply deplorable box cover called BLOOD & SEX NIGHTMARE and my dander was raised to such an apex of dismay that I simply had to see for myself what was being foisted upon the peasantry.

BLOOD & SEX NIGHTMARE is a story about a young Asian girl named Amy who is feeling a tremendous degree of understandable trepidation over the subject of “coupling” and her insufferably insistent and miserable cad-of-a-boyfriend Nick who is nothing but a masher and a wastrel. Nick plucks from the most primitive corner of his mind the idea of taking Amy to this “Adult Camp” called Pleasure Mountain Adult Resort. I was actually surprised at how quaint and adorable the simplistic white and yellow cabins were and I thought that with a little inspiration, that they could be transformed into adorable servants’ quarters. Of course, Nick is thoroughly disappointed that his ham-handed, Neanderthal ploy brings no results. What’s worse for Amy is she keeps having these beastly dreams that drive her into even higher emotional states, just like I get when I see a flaw in the aspic. As the quandary between Nick and Amy reaches a crescendo, a vile and degenerate ghost starts murdering the other deviants who’ve come to the camp, all of which are no better than the basest of troglodytes ready to engage in any fetid behavior no matter how unsavory. Eventually the spectral slayer runs out of victims and has to turn his unsightly gaze on Nick and Amy. Amy comes up with a rather ingenious plan, utilizing décor no less, which is able to roust that specter out of her life.

BLOOD & SEX NIGHTMARE made me feel so absolutely soiled that no amount of eau de cologne, baths drawn by my body servant or use of the finger bowl could ever leave me feeling fresh again. The film starts out with young “ladies” in an unclothed state and continues on that vein throughout the duration. My Goodness, has no one any sense of propriety anymore? Just as disgusting were all the tools for killing paraded about as if one was walking through a hardware store, which is an appalling thought in and of itself. Even though I hate to use a term that smacks of egalitarianism, at least it wasn’t just the fairer sex who gets carved, stabbed or sliced like the Christmas ham. Many of the men get the same unforgivable treatment. Despite their shameful array, I was surprised at the cuteness of the young ladies, even though they were clearly of the common classes. One of my more aesthetic complaints is that the lead actress, Julia Morizawa, was far too emaciated and wasn’t nearly as comely as the other girls. If you are going to cast actresses, you must take a page from Baroque painters like Ruebens or Rococo painters like Fragonard and give your ladies a femininity that is reflected by a womanly shape and appearance. Another technical failing of this “film” was that obviously the actors had spent little or no time in summer stock or in Shakespearean drama. I can’t imagine any of them playing Shylock or Orlando. They were immensely hard to hear and as stiff as my polo mallet, although the one actress named Tina Krause caught my eye. She seemed to have some experience and knew how to at least hold herself in an appealing way, although a gentleman should not admit such things in a public manner. I most astonished at how very delightful the outdoor photography was. The people who made BLOOD & SEX NIGHTMARE picked a sylvan glade that evoked a sense of a mannered English Garden, in a plebian fashion I suppose. However, there was a sinister feel to the surroundings because they seemed so remote and detached from “civilization”. During the daylight hours, there were sparkling ponds and rippling streams and the trees were colorful and bright with autumnal tints, but at night it became depressingly ominous and some of the other buildings were in such a state of disrepair that I certainly would require any self-respecting gardener to demolish such an eyesore. Most unpleasant of all were the “action” scenes of people being chewed by the dastardly teeth of chainsaws and slashed by the sickeningly bright blades of knives. Blood was spraying all over and in such a frightful manner that I had to engage the pause function on the remote and procure a snifter of cognac to brace me. By the end of this abysmal descent into the mouth of madness, I fully understood what the Lords Salisbury and Landsdowne meant when they talked of the obligation of the Upper Classes for leadership.

There were a few of those “extras” in the bonus features’ menu, although I sincerely considered whether or not I wished to probe this dvd any further. There were two short films, one called “Chef Boyardee Man” and the other was “The Roarin’ 20s”. They were a tad less violent than the feature and they seemed to be trying to capture a degree of a nostalgic facade, but I couldn’t say that they assuaged my guilt in my dealings with this disc. There was a music video called “Devils Everywhere” that certainly made me feel like I was slumming and had nothing to do with the kinds of music I prefer during Opera Season. There were scads of previews by Bloody Earth Films that looked just like the kind of movies that those who liked BLOOD & SEX NIGHTMARE might wish to see. There was also this little booklet on the inside of the dvd case that my butler referred to as the “liner notes”. The only liner I am familiar with is the silk embroidered one in my waistcoat. Reading those notes was illuminating and was probably the most urbane moment in this dreary affair.

They say that the masses prefer much “earthier” fare when it comes to entertainment and if that is the case, I am sure there are those rapscallions and rogues who will find BLOOD & SEX NIGHTMARE as comforting as the gruel they do so like to wallow in for sustenance. I found it to be a sobering experience, but there was a crumb of satisfaction to be had. It is only by knowing the mindset of laborers and other underlings that they may be lead and controlled. Unpleasant as was this excursion into depravity, it was a learning experience that will aid me in my charge of furthering noblesse oblige. Only by safeguarding the power of the landed gentry through greater knowledge of those who live upon their land can stability and order be maintained. If I must achieve such knowledge at the cost of feeling soiled, it is my duty as an aristocrat to do it.

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